Both Alex and Betty took several minutes to decompress once Betty’s tale had completed. Understandably, Betty was thoroughly drained of energy. Once the kitchen had been tidied, she told Alex that she was going to lay down for a quick nap. Despite having slept well the night before, Alex really didn’t think that sounded like too bad an idea. He resisted the temptation, though, deciding instead to take a warm shower to help him relax, then shave and brush his teeth.
Alex was relaxing on the couch, reading a book he’d brought along on the trip, when he heard a commotion in the kitchen. Alan and Jesse had returned. He hadn’t even managed to get up from his seat when Jesse poked his head around the corner. “Hi Alex. Is mom around?”
“She said she was going to lay down for a cat nap a bit ago, so I think she’s up in their bedroom.”
“Okay,” replied Jesse, a look of curiosity on his face. “Well, if she comes down the stairs, delay her for a couple minutes, will you?”
“Will do.”
From what he heard in the kitchen, it sounded as if Jesse and Alan were moving something in from outside and taking straight down to the basement. A Christmas gift for Betty, no doubt. Moments later, the father and son duo walked through the living room to the front closet, where they hung their coats and removed their shoes.
“How long has mom been laying down?” asked Jesse as he sat down on the couch next to Alex.
“Ooh, I’m not sure, I wasn’t paying too much attention to the time,” Alex answered truthfully. He knew their conversation had taken a lot of energy out of him as well as Betty. “If I had to guess, I’d say around an hour-and-a-half.”
Just then, they heard footsteps on the stairs from the second floor. “Hi guys,” said Betty. “I think Alex is reasonably close to correct with the time. So, were you two successful in your shopping endeavors?” She stepped over to Alan, who quickly kissed her on the lips. The two then parted, sitting down in their respective chairs.
They chatted for a few minutes. Betty glanced at her watch. “I guess I’d better get going on dinner.”
As she began to rise from her chair, Alan put up his hand to stop her. “No need, Betty. I think we should just go out. How does the Uptown Café sound?”
Betty had spent so much time telling of Jesse’s turbulent past, Alex had forgotten that she wanted to hear everything about him. Once they’d ordered lunch, Alex was put on the spot with what seemed to be a game of twenty questions. Or forty. Perhaps it was for the best he hadn’t told Betty his own history that morning. If he had, he would have needed to repeat his tale for Alan.
As Alan paid their bill, Betty, Alex, and Jesse stepped out of the restaurant onto the town’s main street. Jesse said, “When we get back, I want to take Alex around and show him all the exciting landmarks in Pratt.”
As Alan stepped out of the restaurant to join them, Betty offered their car for Jesse to drive.
“No need,” said Alex. “He can drive mine.”
The four went back into the house when they returned a few minutes later. After a quick bathroom break, Jesse and Alex exited the house and headed towards Alex’s car.
Once buckled up, Jesse started the car and backed out of the driveway. As he did so, Alex asked what sort of sights Jesse wanted him to see. In response, he received silence. Jesse drove about a block from his parent’s house, then pulled to the curb. He put the car in park, turned toward Alex, and simply said, “Spill.”
Alex looked at Jesse with confusion. Jesse then said, “Look. I can see you’ve talked to my mom about my past. What did she tell you?”
Alex suddenly felt his face warm. “Uh, how did you know?”
“Alex, I can see it in your eyes. I knew right away when I sat down next to you on the couch.”
“My eyes?’ Alex asked.
“Yes,” said Jesse, “you’re looking at me differently than you did yesterday. You’re looking at me with, I don’t know, a look that conveys compassion, I guess. At least that’s what I think it is. So, tell me, summarize your conversation with my mom. What did she tell you?”
Alex summarized what he’d been told by Betty. Jesse’s difficult school years. Their church and the horrible pastor. Whippings at the Christian Academy. Being outed. The hell he endured after being outed. Ryan. Jesse’s return to Pratt. All of it. Or so Alex thought.
When he finished his summary, Alex and Jesse looked at each other for several seconds. After the brief silence, Jesse simply said, “Okay.” He shifted the car into drive and pulled back onto Main Street.
‘Okay?’ thought Alex. ‘That’s the only response? Okay? I’m nearly in tears again, and all I hear is, okay?’
Jesse drove Alex through Pratt. It didn’t really take too long. They saw Jesse’s grade school, middle school, and high school. He showed Alex the public park and municipal swimming pool where he’d spent many happy days before the onset of puberty and Jesse’s realization that he was different than his friends. He showed Alex where his dad had worked before his recent retirement. He showed Alex shops he had frequented with his mother in happier times. He showed Alex Greenlawn Cemetery, where his maternal grandparents were buried. He even showed Alex his first counselor’s office.
Alex noted that Jesse had declined to show him the church he grew up in, or the Christian Academy he’d attended for one school year and part of another. He hadn’t noted a Christian school, but they’d driven past several churches without a word from Jesse. They could’ve passed right in front of the church that began Jesse’s hell on earth for all Alex knew. He doubted the Episcopal, Methodist, or Presbyterian Churches were where Jesse’s family had attended, but he wasn’t sure about the others. Did Jesse avoid showing him those places? Or were they somewhere else entirely? After all, the church could be out in the country somewhere. The school, too, for that matter.
The tour hadn’t ended, though. Alex noted that they’d turned onto a very narrow street, which he immediately thought was strange for Pratt. The street, however, turned out to be a driveway into a park. Much of the park was wooded. Areas along the road had mowed grass, with scattered mature trees to provide shade during the summer months. Wooded areas further from the road, though, appeared to remain in a natural state. Alex saw a small, block building that he assumed contained restrooms. There was a playground near the restroom building, with a couple of baseball diamonds beyond. Suddenly, Alex’s car came to a stop. Alex looked quizzically at Jesse, who shifted the car into park, then turned off the ignition. He opened the car door and motioned for Alex to do the same.
Jesse began walking towards the woods, with Alex just a step behind. Once in the wooded area, far enough that Alex’s car could no longer be spotted, Jesse suddenly came to a stop, so suddenly that Alex nearly ran into him. Again, Alex looked quizzically at Jesse, who remained silent. After a moment’s silence, with Alex becoming more confused, Jesse quietly began to speak, staring unseeingly into the woods. “The night I ran off from the church,” he began, “this is where I came. During my miserable years, well, at least the ones before I went to college, this was my happy place.’ After a few more seconds of silence, Jesse continued. “Happy place probably isn’t the most accurate term. This is where I came when I needed to get away. To vent. To calm the rage and heal from the hurt. It was away from people, my parents, my former friends, bullies in school, everyone. I generally came here when I needed a break from my life. I was able to largely forget, at least for a few minutes, the hell that my life had become. When I came here, I usually just sat on a fallen log, silent. It’s amazing how much there is to observe when you remain still, and quiet, and just watch.
“Anyway, when I took off from church that night, Pastor Asshole and my parents thought I took off running without a destination in mind. I knew exactly where I was headed as soon as I bolted from Asshole’s office. It was here. My happy place. Happy because I was alone. This is where I came that night. I think my parents even drove through the park looking for me, but I guess they assumed I wouldn’t be off the grassy area and in the woods.”
Jesse finally turned to face Alex. “Now you know. You are the only one, besides me, who knows about my happy place. And you’re the only one I want to know. You are the only person I will ever want to share this place with.”
Alex watched Jesse turn his head away from him, facing farther back into the woods. They both stood beside one another, silent. Alex then saw a tear trickle downward from Jesse’s left eye. Unsure what to do, he put his arm around Jesse and pulled him close. Then Alex put his head on Jesse’s shoulder. Tears began to leak from Alex’s eyes as well.
After several minutes of silence and reflection, Jesse took a step away from Alex. He gave Alex a sad smile, then reached out his hand for Alex’s. They walked hand in hand, out of the wooded area in the direction of Alex’s car, difficult to do at times due to the underbrush. Alex was surprised, though, when Jesse led Alex past the car, across the narrow park road, in the direction of the playground, completely deserted on the chilly December day. When they came to a bench, Jesse motioned with his head. The two sat down, still hand in hand.
They sat, again silent, as Jesse stared off towards the empty playground, while Alex looked at Jesse. Once again, Jesse finally spoke, still staring at the playground. “My mom didn’t tell you everything,” said Jesse. “Unless you failed to tell me everything that she told you.”
“Uh, I know I was summarizing, so I missed lots of details, but I think I covered everything I was told,” Alex stammered.
“Well, this is one thing you’d have remembered, if you’d been told.”
Again, they sat in silence for a time, until Jesse finally spoke.
“I tried to kill myself, Alex,” Jesse said softly. “And many, many times in the years afterward, I wished I’d been successful.”
Alex remained quiet, stunned by the revelation. He squeezed Jesse’s hand to communicate he’d heard.
“I’d thought about suicide so many times before.” Jesse turned to face Alex before continuing. “I think those thoughts began in eighth grade.” He again turned away from Alex to stare in the direction of the playground. “Many times, I thought about stepping in front of one of the freight trains that pass through town. As I got older, the methods changed. When I read about Sylvia Plath, I thought about putting my head in the oven. That didn’t seem like a good plan, though. I mean, who else have you heard of that managed to kill themselves that way? Besides, I later discovered that our oven was electric, not gas, so it wouldn’t have worked, anyway.” Alex thought he saw a slight smile appear on Jesse’s face, almost as if he was amused by the thought.
“I thought about taking my parents car, putting the pedal to the metal, then steering myself into a tree. But that just seemed like the waste of a perfectly good car.” While he wasn’t sure what to make of Jesse’s Sylvia Plath crack, Alex was horrified to hear Jesse say that a used car was worth more than he was.
“Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, my parents didn’t have any guns in the house. That’s kind of unusual for around here, you know. And I never understood how people could slit their wrists. I mean, one wrist, sure, but how do you manage to slit the other with a hand that is in less-than-optimal condition?” As Jesse continued, Alex was becoming more and more alarmed at the detached, matter-of-fact way that Jesse was discussing suicide.
“I thought about throwing myself off a bridge, but I didn’t think there were any high enough around here where I felt confident that I’d be successful. I thought about sitting in a running car in the garage with the overhead door closed. I’m not exactly sure why I didn’t follow through with that one. I thought about drinking myself to death. My parents don’t drink, though, so I was unsure where I’d get the liquor. I would’ve have had to break into a package store, I guess, and that sounded like it was more trouble than I was worth.”
‘Not more trouble than ‘it’ was worth,’ Alex noted, ‘more trouble than ‘I’ was worth. My God, Jesse thought a broken glass window would cost more to repair than the value of his own life?’
“So,” Jesse continued, “I tried to off myself with pills. It sounded like a good plan to me. Take the pills, lay down, and you go to sleep and never wake up. It sounds peaceful, doesn’t it? The complete opposite of the train wreck my life had become.
“If I’d have come here, to my happy place, I might have succeeded, but I didn’t think things through. I did it in the house. It was clear from the mess I’d left behind, too. I left the medicine cabinet open. My mom walked into the bathroom, saw it was open, then noticed that there were no pill bottles in there. She instinctively knew what I’d done. She ran into my room and found me lying on my bed, unconscious. Pill bottles were scattered everywhere. In a panic, she called 911, then she turned me onto my side and tried to force me to vomit.
“When the ambulance arrived, they managed to revive me briefly. I was taken to hospital where my stomach was pumped. I was kept in hospital for a couple of days. Then, surprise! Things got even better. I went from the hospital in Pratt straight to the state mental hospital in Osawatomie, where I spent several weeks. I really don’t know how they managed to ‘talk me down from the ledge,’ so to speak, but they ultimately were successful. Oh, I was still miserable. I still thought about ending my life. I still wished I’d succeeded. Though I thought about it often, even fantasized about it, I never again took any concrete steps to end my own life.
“My mom conveniently glossed over that event. That was the real reason I had to repeat grade nine. Well, my grades probably would’ve dictated that as well, but, yeah, that was the main reason I missed the end of grade nine the first time around.” Alex was horrified at the calmness in Jesse’s voice as he talked about contemplating, and then attempting, to end his own life.
“You know, more than once I’ve heard suicide referred to as a ‘permanent solution to a temporary problem.’ But when your life is a living hell, and it has been for a long time, and you see no opportunity for change at any point in your life, it sure doesn’t seem like a temporary problem at all. For me, my problem may not have been permanent, but it sure was for an extended amount of time.
“So, as my mom told you, my life in Pratt was hell on earth. Then I went to college. Those years were wonderful. I was free of the chains of this town for four years. I was free to be myself, without fear that being myself would mean I’d be ridiculed or ostracized. I made some friends. My relationship with my parents gradually strengthened. After graduation, I found a job that I liked. And everything was good until I met him.
“Oh, things seemed good with him, too, at least to begin with.” Alex immediately noticed that Jesse would only refer to Ryan as ‘him’ and not by his actual name. “But little did I know he was gradually taking me away from my family and friends. That he was using me. Using me for my money and for his pleasure. All he was doing was taking and giving nothing in return.
“Looking back, I realized that he’d been cheating on me the entire time we were together. The evidence was right in front of me. It was obvious. Yet, he had me under his spell to such an extent that I either was too blind to see, or I saw and preferred to ignore it. The same thing, really, when it came to money. It was just one more way he took advantage of me. The times he’d put me at financial risk, like having me as the only person on our lease, or his credit cards that I was responsible for, all those times I was aware of what he was doing. Yet I was powerless to stop him.
“There was something about him that I don’t think I can really put into words. Somehow, he was able to control me. I was almost like a robot. I had no free will. The scary thing is, though, even after all the pain he caused me, if he came back into my life, I don’t know if I’d have the will power to keep away from him.
“Here’s the thing, though, Alex. For as awful as my life got the second time around, when I was at my lowest point, returning to Pratt, the town I couldn’t get away from fast enough, I want you to know I never considered killing myself. Sure, the thought occurred to me many a time, maybe even daily. But I never entertained the idea that I’d try again. Because I realized that, though my life had been hell from the time I concluded that I was different until the time I started college, my problems were, indeed, temporary. Life did get better. I found happiness again. I was happy. I knew that if I could find happiness after years of hell one time, there was no reason I couldn’t do it again.
“I had sunk so low, though, I knew I wouldn’t bounce back overnight. It took more than two years to claw my way back out of the hole. As you know, I eventually returned to Des Moines. I got my old job, a job I had really enjoyed, back. I was on my own again. I made new friends. But one thing: I never, ever, thought I’d date again. The first time around had been an absolute disaster. I’d been burned so badly. I’d be crazy to try again.” Once more, Jesse turned to face Alex. “I thought I was happy enough by myself. I was happy, for sure. But I didn’t realize that instead of being happy enough, that I could be an order of magnitude happier. And why settle for happy enough when you can be extra happy?”
After a brief pause, Jesse said, “I think I’m just babbling. I hope that made sense to you. The point is this, though. The last month with you? I’m not happy enough. I’m extra happy. I am happy I took a chance. Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you?”
Alex simply nodded, tears evident in his eyes. For the second, no, third time that day, he was unable to find his own voice.
-----
When they’d returned to the Shaw household, they discovered Betty had decided that cookies needed to be made. She spent much of the afternoon and well into the evening baking. She even allowed Alex to help, but when she discovered that he didn’t crack eggs just the right way, he was quickly shooed out of the kitchen. As the kitchen was filled with fresh-baked cookies and the raw ingredients for even more cookies, the evening meal consisted of Pizza Hut pizza. Alex wondered if the cookie baking was planned as a way for Betty to avoid cooking dinner, or supper as Alan and Betty preferred to call it. He then realized, though, that either way, she was still in the kitchen, so that likely wasn’t the case.
Alex hadn’t had Pizza Hut pizza in years. He’d noticed that in Kansas, towns that appeared barely large enough to support a McDonald’s or a Subway all seemed to have a Pizza Hut as well. After commenting on this, Alan told him that Pizza Hut had gotten its start in Wichita. The number of Pizza Huts now made sense.
Alex had been drained by the events of the day, even though there’d been no hard labor and no exercise to speak of. He followed Alan and Betty up the stairs after the 10 o’clock news. He was sawing logs when Jesse came to bed about 15 minutes later.
Alex spent the morning with Jesse. After a delicious lunch, or dinner as Betty insisted on calling it, Alex put his luggage into the trunk of the Civic, along with several dozen of the cookies that Betty had made the previous day. He hugged both Betty and Alan, something which delighted Betty, but which Alan found somewhat uncomfortable. Jesse’s parents left the two alone in the living room to say their goodbyes in private.
As they hugged, Alex said, “Jesse, thank you for telling me your history. I realize it was very hard for you to do. I really did need to know your background, though. I think I’d have a hard time living with myself if I hurt you all over again. So, thank you for trusting me with your story.”
“Well, I guess I knew deep down that I would have to share that with you at some point, as much as I hate talking about it.” Though he couldn’t see it, Alex could sense that a smile came to Jesse’s face when he added, “of course, you forced the issue by talking to my mom first. You’re a crafty one, Alex.”
After a few seconds’ silence, Jesse continued, “Please, I’d appreciate it if you kept my story to yourself. Rhys has tried more than once to get me to open up, and I’m just not ready to share my history with the world.”
“Jesse, you don’t even need to ask. I won’t share what you and your mom told me this weekend with Rhys, or anyone else, for that matter. It’s your story to share, if and when you’re ready, not mine.”
Alex pulled back from his extended hug with Jesse to look him in the eye. Alex smiled, then leaned in for a brief kiss before heading to his car.
Both Alex and Jesse felt as if they were going to be separated for eons, though in reality their time apart would be less than a week. Despite all the things he’d found difficult to hear, Alex knew that those things were things that he indeed did need to know. In addition, even Jesse had to conclude that their brief time together in Pratt had brought them significantly closer to one another.
Posted 18 January 2025