Second Chances

Chapter 13

“Your dad came out to you?” asked Chase. “As in came out, came out?”

Cam nodded. Zeke just muttered, “Holy shit.”

“So, yeah, I’m a little bit in shock, but I’m happy for him. I’m not sure how Charlotte took the news, though. I mean, she’s shocked, too. But she took off without saying a word. I’m hoping she just needed a few minutes to process the news.”

Alex knocked on the wooden door frame to Charlotte’s bedroom. ‘The door isn’t closed,’ Alex thought. ‘Hopefully, that’s a good sign.’

After knocking, Alex poked his head into Charlotte’s room. “Can I come in?”

Charlotte was sitting on her bed with her back propped up on the headboard and her knees tucked up under her chin. She was hugging Daisy, a teddy bear she’d had since she was little. A stuffed dog, to be more specific. She nodded. Alex could see her eyes were wet with unshed tears.

Alex entered the room, then sat at the foot of Charlotte’s bed. They were both silent for a few moments before Alex spoke. “Are you going to be okay with my news?”

Again, she nodded. She wiped her eyes with her left hand, her right hand still holding Daisy tightly. She then spoke. “Did you ever even love mom?”

Alex was caught off guard by the question. He opened his mouth, then shut it again. After regaining his composure, he responded, “Yes, Charlotte, very much so. Is that what you’re bothered about?”

“Well, it seems you’ve been living a lie. I mean, I suddenly don’t know which way is up. Mom’s gone less than a year, and all of a sudden, you’re dating men. So, yeah, I think I’ve got plenty of reasons to be bothered. At the very least, I would like some kind of explanation.”

After a silence, Alex said “I love you, you know.”

In reply, Charlotte said, “Of course I know, dad. I love you, too.”

“Well,” Alex asked, “do you think we can get past this?”

“Of course, dad. It’s just, you threw me for a loop. I do still miss mom. A lot.”

“I know, sweetie,” Alex replied. He then added, “You were excited sounding when you thought I was seeing a woman, so I don’t think that you believe it’s too early to start dating.” Charlotte nodded in reply. “So, the problem you have is with me dating a man.”

“Again, dad, I don’t have a problem with it. You should know me well enough to know that doesn’t bother me. Your revelation, though, just seemed to come out of the blue. I guess I just wasn’t ready to hear it, that’s all.”

Alex scooted forward on the bed, motioning for Charlotte to move towards him as he did so. She sat up, set Daisy down next to her pillow, and hugged Alex. After a lengthy hug which felt reassuring to them both, they separated. Alex said, “You’ve asked for an explanation, so I want to give you one. Do you mind if we go downstairs first, though? I’d like to give the explanation to both you and your brother.”

Again, Charlotte responded with a nod. They got up off Charlotte’s bed and went downstairs to the living room, where Cam, Chase, and Zeke were sitting. The three all turned to watch Charlotte and Alex descend the stairs. Without speaking, Alex sat down in his recliner, while Charlotte sat on the floor in front of her brother.

Alex began. “Well, Charlotte has asked for a fuller explanation, which I’d like to give to you as well, Cameron.”

Zeke and Chase glanced at one another, then began to rise off the sofa. Quickly, Alex said, “Guys, no need to leave. I mean, unless you want to.” Glancing at one another, they both decided to sit.

Alex began. “I think I permanently had a crush on a girl beginning in the fifth grade, all the way through high school, and into college. I mean, continually, at least through high school. I’d be crushing on one girl for several weeks, then one day, I’d drop her to begin crushing on a different girl.

“Now, I grew up in a pretty conservative household and attended a very conservative church. I went to school, for much of grade school and all of high school, at schools which were operated by that same church body. You know, I don’t really remember anything being mentioned about homosexuality directly or overtly in church or school, though it’s been so long since I was in school, I certainly could have forgotten, or intentionally blocked the memory for that matter. But even if nothing was said directly, the message was clear. Homosexuality was wrong, completely opposed to God’s plan for his children.

“By the time I got to high school, I knew I had an interest in boys. But the whole time I was in high school, I was still crushing on one girl or another. So, in a different circumstance, I would’ve probably admitted to myself that I was bisexual. But why would I do that in the situation I was in? A boy interested in girls was normal, expected. A boy being interested in other boys was completely unacceptable. It makes sense that if you’re attracted to boys and girls, but attraction to girls is the only socially acceptable course, wouldn’t you try to focus your interest on girls? My thinking was to foster my interest in girls and shut off the interest in boys. To be clear, I never actually thought these scenarios through in my mind, at least I don’t remember doing so. Looking back, I do think that was probably my subconscious way of thinking, though.

“So, then I went to college. I still had crushes on girls, though not to the same extent as in grade or high school. At least it wasn’t continuous. I was still interested in boys, though. Interestingly, I never had a crush on another boy, like, ever. College was, of course, a more open and accepting setting than my grade and high school and church had been. Mind you, being more open and accepting wasn’t hard if you started with the bar so low. There were some people on campus who were openly gay, even. If there was any gay bashing or anything like that on campus, I never saw it or knew about it.

“Not only college, but society in general was more accepting than my grade and high schools had been, certainly. But that was still the 1980s. Stonewall happened in 1969, I think, and by the late 70s there was a sitcom which featured an openly gay character on TV. I think it’s a fair statement to say that by 1980, the LGBTQ community had clearly made some progress in acceptance. Then AIDS raised its ugly head and was taking a terrible toll on the communities that it impacted. Those communities? The gay community, IV drug users, and hemophiliacs. Suddenly, any progress that had been made by gays in terms of acceptance was swept away.

“Of course, we were gradually learning more and more about AIDS during the 1980s, but there still wasn’t a lot known. And there was essentially no treatment, either. An AIDS diagnosis was a death sentence. Lots of people thought of AIDS as the ‘gay disease,’ and that it was God’s retribution for homosexuals. Even though it was punishment for being gay, IV drug users had it coming, as well. Some people even thought that the hemophiliacs must have done something horrible to deserve God’s punishment, too. Many people treated those three communities as if they had the plague, regardless of if they had HIV or not. The groups were to be shunned and, if they were lucky, pitied.

“So, I’d been taught that being gay was a sin. I didn’t really think so, but most people I was around in my formative years did. Then I got away from that thinking into a more liberal setting in college, where being gay was at least largely accepted. But my high school and young adult years were spent with the specter of AIDS as a backdrop. Because of AIDS, gays were still being shunned. Considering those settings, is it really any wonder I suppressed my bisexuality? I mean, I was attracted to both. One was completely accepted, even expected. The other meant shunning by society, or worse. It made sense to foster my interest in girls and suppress my interest in boys.

“Then I met your mother. I was attracted to her the second I laid eyes on her. The night we met she was wearing a, not a crop top, really, but a shirt that was very short, so her belly button was exposed, at least some of the time. She had the most beautiful waist. I know, call me weird. There are boob men, butt men, and leg men. I’m a waist man. Anyway, yes, I was very interested in her, very attracted to her. Still, in the back of my mind, though, there were the thoughts that revolved around boys and not girls.

“If I’d been honest with myself, I would have said I was bisexual. But I wasn’t honest with myself. I thought I could take the safe route. Put all my interest in girls and block out any interest in boys. And, well, that didn’t really work.

“After we’d married and after you kids had been born, I finally accepted that I was bisexual. Obviously, I didn’t advertise the fact, but it was something that for me, at least, was fact. It was a deep, dark secret that only I could know about. Here’s the thing, though. Somewhere along the way, I realized something else. Once I’d finally accepted that I was bi, I realized that I no longer had absolutely any interest in women. I was really only interested in men.

“Now, you’ve always heard that being straight or gay isn’t a choice, right? I sure didn’t choose to be bisexual or gay. But I don’t know if science says you can change your sexuality. Somehow, though, something did change for me. It wasn’t something I was conscious of doing. I really don’t know if, in my teens and twenties, I had subconsciously convinced myself I was also interested in girls as well as boys. Despite 15 years of continuous crushes on members of the opposite sex, I no longer had any interest in women. If I’d been honest with myself in college, I would’ve said I was bisexual. But now, being honest with myself means I’m gay.

“So, then I found myself in a new situation. Suddenly, I was no longer constrained by a choice I made years prior. I suddenly was able to be the real me. It took time, though. Around Labor Day, I finally fully accepted and embraced who I was. Of course, I chickened out in telling you before you guys went back to school. I promised myself, though, to tell you once we were all together, which turned out to be Thanksgiving.

“Right after Labor Day, I joined a group of LGBTQ men.” Alex chuckled before continuing. “Well, I guess I can drop the ‘L,’ can’t I? The group is mostly gay men, though there are some bisexuals and others. And it didn’t take me long to develop a crush. Now, it had been so long since I’d had a crush on someone, and, of course, it was the first time I had a crush on a guy, that I didn’t even recognize it as such. But, anyway, he found out how I felt, and we decided we liked each other enough that we’d try dating. That came about last Sunday. We haven’t actually gone out on a date or anything, yet, either.

“Sorry I rambled on for so long. I hope that all made sense.”

“One question,” said Charlotte. “Did mom know?”

“I never came out and admitted being bisexual to her, much less gay. But yes, she pretty much knew.”

“Oh, and dad?” Charotte asked.

“What, sweetie?”

“You get to define who you are. People change, and that might mean changing how you define yourself. Maybe you identified as straight at one time, bi at another, and gay currently, and that’s okay. You get to choose how to define yourself and how you present yourself to the world. You and no one else.”

“But Charlotte,” Alex commented, “lots of gay people try to hide their true identity from both themselves and the world. That’s not really the same thing as changing their sexuality. That’s denying who you are. That’s hiding your sexuality.”

“Sure, dad, but you still get to define yourself. You’ve heard of being gender-fluid, right?”

“Of course,” Alex responded. “I haven’t figured out how that’s different than being nonbinary, but yes, I’ve heard the term.”

“Let’s just focus on the term gender-fluid, okay? Think of it this way. Instead of gender-fluid, you’re sexuality-fluid. I don’t think most people are, but most people aren’t nonbinary, either.”

“Interesting thought,” commented Alex, “though I really doubt I’ll be changing from gay to something else anytime soon.”

The room was silent for a while. Alex was just about to get up from his chair when Cam asked, “Well, what is this guy like? I mean, does he have a name?”

Alex chuckled, then responded, “What, you don’t think he’s a product of my imagination, do you?”

“You know what I mean, dad.”

“Yes, I do. His name is Jesse. He’s damn good looking, let me tell you. He’s quite a bit younger than me. He works in Des Moines and lives in West Des Moines. He and one other guy from the group, Rhys, and I are workout buddies at the Y. Some others in the group have taken to calling us the three musketeers because we’re often together.

“Jesse’s from Kansas originally, and he’s down there this weekend visiting his parents for the holiday. I imagine you guys will be back to school before he returns on Sunday. But Christmas break isn’t long off, and I’m sure you’ll get to meet him then.”

Charlotte then asked the question that Alex hoped wouldn’t be coming, though he wasn’t even quite sure why he felt uncomfortable answering. “When you say he’s younger, just how much younger are we talking?”

“Uh, he’s 33.”

“Holy shit, dad!” said Cam. “You’re a total cradle robber!” Alex could feel himself blush as both Zeke and Chase giggled.

“Yeah, I know. I know what I see in him, but I really don’t know what he sees in me.”

“Dad,” Charlotte commented, “you’ve got to start realizing you’re a good guy. I really don’t like it when you drag yourself down like that. I think I already know what he sees in you.”

Despite the words of chastisement from Charlotte, Alex was quite pleased with her comments. Maybe she wasn’t so upset at his news, after all. “Charlotte, that’s exactly what Jesse says to me, too.”

“Well, then I think I’m going to like him,” Charlotte concluded. Alex grinned.

Alex turned to face Chase and Zeke, both of whom sat quietly on the sofa, not quite sure where to look. “It’s fun to watch family drama when the family having the drama isn’t yours, right?” Both young men giggled, still feeling somewhat uncomfortable.

“Okay, hugs all around,” said Alex. Both Charlotte and Cameron stood. As Alex began to embrace Charlotte, he noticed that Chase and Zeke remained on the sofa. “Hugs all around means you two, also.” They quickly glanced at one another before standing and joining the family hug-fest.

Later, Alex took the four college students to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. Once they’d ordered, Alex said, “Okay, now that we got the big news out of the way, there’s a story I’d like to share with you.”

Once he had everyone’s attention, he said, “Cam and Zeke, do you remember when I was in Cam’s dorm room last year, and you came into the room, Zeke?” Both Zeke and Cam nodded.

“Well, you introduced Zeke to me, and Zeke said, ‘I think we’ve met before.’ And if you remember, I was at a total loss for words.”

“Actually, dad, now that you mention it, I do remember that. It seemed a little odd to me.”

“Well, I was unable to speak because I nearly blew my cover.” Alex looked at the four students, all of whom had looks of confusion. “What I nearly said, was, ‘Oh no, we’ve never met. I’d remember someone as cute as you.’” While Zeke blushed, Cam, Charlotte, and Chase guffawed, loud enough that people at nearby tables looked to see if they could discern what was so funny. Alex was happy when he saw Zeke smile as well.

“Um, Mr. Kim…I mean, Alex,” said Zeke, “I don’t know why I feel it’s important to share this right now, but I do. I think Chase and Cam already know, though I’m not sure. Anyway, I consider myself to be bisexual.”

Alex raised his eyebrows as a smile crept across his lips. “In that case,” replied Alex, “do you have a daddy complex? And by that, I mean, are you into older men?”

The table roared with laughter. While Zeke’s face reddened further, he also laughed. Alex was happy that he hadn’t pushed Zeke too far.

-----

Jesse arrived in Pratt later than he’d hoped. He didn’t manage to get out of Des Moines until nearly 1 pm, and traffic was exceptionally heavy as drove through Kansas City. He took I-35 south from Kansas City rather than the Kansas Turnpike. There was sporadic construction between Olathe and Ottawa, and then a backup because of a car fire near Williamsburg. After logging nearly 300 miles, it was almost 6 pm when he stopped for gas in Emporia. He stopped for dinner an hour later at Spangle’s in El Dorado. Some two hours after that, he pulled into the driveway of his parents’ house in Pratt. His parents were already dressed for bed when he walked into the living room of his childhood home around 9:30 pm.

After hugs, and dropping his suitcase off in his bedroom, he sat down with his parents in the living room. They had 15 minutes to kill before the television would be switched on to the 10 pm news on one of the Wichita TV stations. His parents religiously watched the evening news at 5 pm, and the late news at 10. Truly Midwesterners, bedtime was between the 10 pm weather and sports. While he regaled his parents with the blow-by-blow account of the drive from Des Moines, his mom was quick to see that something wasn’t the same with Jesse. Something had changed, though she wasn’t quite sure what. They were discussing their plans for the weekend when she interrupted the conversation.

“Jesse, what’s up?” she asked. “I can still tell when something’s up with you. Is everything alright?”

Jesse replied with his own question rather than with an answer. “How did you know something was up?”

“Well, a mother can tell these things. So, tell us, what is your news?”

Jesse had been nervous about this conversation the entire trip down. For more than seven hours, he thought of little else. The eclectic mix of music Alex had given him to listen to on the long drive was barely noticed. He’d concluded as he approached Pratt from the east that he’d bare his soul. Lay his cards on the table. He’d hold nothing back. Still, he wasn’t sure what his parents were going to think of the news he was about to spring on them. After a brief silence, Jesse nervously replied, “I’ve, uh, met someone.”

The room was quiet for several seconds before his dad simply replied, “Really?”

Jesse nodded. His mom looked at him with a mixture of excitement and trepidation, the same two emotions that were battling for supremacy in Jesse’s own mind. “I didn’t think you’d ever date again, honey. What happened to make you change your mind?”

“Alex happened, mom. That’s what.”

Jesse then began to tell his parents all there was and was not to know about Alex. “Mom, dad, we’ve really just agreed to go out on Sunday. We’ve not even been out on a proper date yet.” So far, so good, thought Jesse.

His parents were happy for him, for sure. But after his past experiences with men, they were understandably filled with concern as well. No, not men. After his past experiences with one man.

Jesse, too, had concerns about discussing Alex with his parents. Firstly, Alan and Betty Shaw had long since given up on Jesse meeting someone to share his life with after what had happened several years before. And while that saddened them, they completely understood why Jesse would choose to never date again. He was a broken man when he returned to his childhood home, after all. Besides that, Alex came with what he was afraid his parents would consider baggage, and he wasn’t sure how his parents would react to that baggage. Alex had children. Adult children. Oh, yes, and Alex just came out. And Alex was, what, 21 years older than Jesse? No, 22 years older. How were his parents going to handle that?

So, Jesse began to tell them about Alex. About the day they’d met, sitting next to one another at brunch on a damp September Sunday. About the three musketeers, working out together at the Y. About the bike ride a few weekends before. About karaoke. And he told them about what Jesse thought his parents would consider baggage. His age, his children, his insecurities. The 10 o’clock news was long forgotten, something that seldom happened in the Shaw household. Jesse had been talking, nearly nonstop, for over an hour, breaking only to get a drink of water.

When he’d finally run out of things to say, Jesse looked at his parents. They were both smiling! Despite his disastrous history with one man, despite all the things about Alex that he’d been afraid they might frown on, they were happy. He returned their smiles.

-----

Thursday, Jesse woke up in the bed in his childhood bedroom. He yawned, stretched, and put his hands behind his head. Staring at the ceiling, he thought about all the time he’d spent in that room. There were good memories, to be sure, but there were also lots of bad memories. All the time he’d spent there in high school, filled with anger both at himself and everyone else. The times he’d spent there after returning to Kansas, battling his depression in a self-imposed exile. After a period of reflection, he leaned over to grab his phone off the nightstand.

Jesse and Alex had agreed to give one another space over the holiday weekend. Jesse knew that Alex was going to come out to his children, though, and he was dying to know how it had gone. Alex had been stressing over coming out to his kids for what seemed like an eternity. Alex knew that Jesse would also be sharing news with his parents. But Alex was unaware of the amount of stress Jesse had felt. The reaction of his parents had made him feel good. That was a huge weight off his shoulders. Though happy, he knew his parents were also wracked with concern. Hell, he was wracked with concern, too. Could this time end up like the last? God, he hoped not.

After several minutes, Jesse decided he’d send Alex a text.

Alex heard his phone buzz. He picked it up off the kitchen counter to see the message from Jesse. He smiled.

Jesse > Happy thanksgiving! How did your kids take the news?

Alex quickly replied.

Alex > Happy Thanksgiving to you too. It went well, all in all. Touch and go for a couple minutes, but we’re all good now. They’re both happy for me. Did you tell your folks?

He saw the response shortly thereafter.

Jesse > Yes, and they’re happy for me, too. They can’t wait to meet you. I know we agreed to give each other space, but I was dying to hear. Have a good Thanksgiving!

Alex > Yes, and Cam and Charlotte are looking forward to meeting you, too. You have a good holiday as well!

Thanksgiving in the Kimball household came and went. Fortunately, Alex had plenty of help in the kitchen from Zeke, who seemed to enjoy cooking. The meal was pulled off without a hitch, other than for imperfect timing with completion of the various sides. The corn souffle didn’t come out of the oven until they were otherwise ready for dessert.

Thanksgiving was a pleasant affair at the Shaw household. It was quiet since it was just Jesse and his parents. Betty was an awesome cook, so there was no worry about the quality or quantity of the meal. Jesse helped his mom during the morning, until she shooed him out of the kitchen. There were plenty of things for Jesse to help his dad with, anyway. And there was football.

Sunday arrived all too soon, though Jesse was anxious to get back to Des Moines. After a long, hug-filled farewell with his parents, he pointed his Corolla north and eastward. Jesse’s return trip was a much happier affair. He paid attention to the songs Alex had given him. There was quite a variety. A variety of country music, blues, early jazz, and big band music in addition to rock and pop. There was Fats Waller. Jimmy Dorsey. Blue Oyster Cult. Loretta Lynn. Bessie Smith. Arcade Fire. Jelly Roll. And he enjoyed listening to the lyrics, something he’d never paid particular attention to before meeting Alex. Though rather silly, he was particularly struck with the lyrics to one song. They fit his mood.

Was he jumping the gun? Was he the happiest boy in the whole USA? Maybe he was jumping the gun, but he was happier than he had been in years. His relationship with his parents, so fraught for such a long time, hadn’t been this good since he was a little boy. And there was a budding relationship with someone who seemed to fit what had been holes in his life before. “Man, if I could bottle this feeling, I’d make a mint!” he thought. Yes, things might go to hell tomorrow. But today, Jesse was most definitely happy.

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