Second Chances

Chapter 22

As usual, Alex was using the shower as a place to belt out a tune or two. He briefly stopped singing as he rinsed shampoo out of his hair before beginning once again.

Again, there was a brief lull in the singing as Alex rubbed a skin cleanser into his face.

Another lull in the singing as Alex faced upward, allowing the water to cascade over his face to remove the remaining soap. He did, however, continue to dance, at least move around a bit to the beat of the music. Once the soap was rinsed off, he resumed singing as he turned the taps off and reached for the shower curtain.

Alex pulled the shower curtain back. “Aagh!” He shouted. He was shocked when he saw Jesse sitting on the toilet lid, waiting patiently for Alex to finish showering, the towel Alex had placed on the toilet lid earlier lying across his lap. Alex put his hand on his chest. “Oh, my God, Jesse! You nearly gave me a heart attack! I never heard you come in.”

While Alex had grown more comfortable showering with his friends at the YMCA, he still would frequently head home to shower, at least if his intention was to return home rather than head to one of the other three Horsemen of the Apocalypse’s places. Commonly, Jesse came over to his house after their Y workout, or Alex would go to Jesse’s place, even if Ian and Rhys went their separate ways.

Despite his growing confidence in allowing his body to be seen by others, Alex still slipped into his old ways of unnecessary modesty. Tonight was no exception. He snatched the towel that Jesse handed him, then retreated behind the shower curtain to dry off.

“Alex? Why on earth are you hiding behind the shower curtain?” asked Jesse. “I mean, I saw you naked at the Y last night, and when we sleep together, we are both in the nude. I’ve touched and kissed nearly every inch of your body, too.”

“I know, I know,” replied Alex. I’m doing better, but still not fully comfortable in my own skin.”

“And Alex?” Jesse queried as Alex stepped out of the tub and onto the bathmat. “You’re not going over to the dark side, are you?”

“The dark side?” Alex asked. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“That song you were singing.”

“What? You mean because it’s a guy checking out a girl and liking what he sees?”

Jesse simply nodded.

“Funny,” Alex snickered. “I think most straight people feel that I’m going over to the dark side when I’m with you.”

Alex finished drying his hair, then added, “You know, I generally am a little uncomfortable with songs that objectify women. But Walker Hayes, who sings that song, wrote it for his wife, letting her know that he still finds her desirable. So, I’ve got no problems with the lyrics to that one.”

“You know, Alex,” Jesse responded, “I don’t know that anyone else would find the lyrics to that song offensive. It’s kind of a stretch to think those lyrics are particularly objectifying women. I mean, just because the lyrics of a song say a woman is beautiful doesn’t mean it’s gratuitous or hypersexualized, you know.”

“Maybe,” replied Alex as he wrapped the bath towel around his waist. “I guess that’s true, but lyrics like that still make me a tad uncomfortable. You know, my favorite Elvis Presley song is Baby, Let’s Play House. It’s classic early Elvis. I always loved the stripped-down rockabilly sound of the song. I knew the lyrics. I could sing along with the song. But I’d never fully paid attention to what I was singing. I was horrified when I finally did. Most of the lyrics are okay, but there’s one very disturbing line in the song, I’d rather see you dead, little girl, than to be with another man. It’s hard to believe that those lyrics were ever acceptable, even back in the patriarchal fifties. So, yeah, I always try to pay attention to the lyrics of a song, especially if it’s a song I like. I don’t want to sing lyrics like in that Elvis song. It’s a shame, too, because otherwise it’s a great song.”

“And that concludes this evening’s edition of ‘Alex goes overboard with being PC,’” said Jesse, attempting to sound like an announcer on a television talk show.

“Jesse, you can’t possibly tell me you think those lyrics are acceptable!”

“Which ones?” responded Jesse. “The Elvis ones? Definitely not. The song you sang, though? Totally okay.”

As Alex applied deodorant, he changed the subject. “I really want to become more comfortable with my body, Jesse. I know you think I should be comfortable now, but, well, I really want to have a body that I’m not ashamed of. While I’m now okay letting you, Ian, and Rhys see me naked, I’m still not ready to show my body off to just anyone.”

“Okay,” said Jesse. “Where are you going with this?”

“Well,” replied Alex, “I’ve always wanted to go to a nude beach.”

“Really?”

“Yes. In my significantly younger years, I was down in Florida for work. I had a job in Jacksonville, and then two more sites to look at in Miami. I’d planned on stopping on my way south to Miami, where I’d read there was a nude beach. Somewhere around Fort Lauderdale or Palm Beach, I think.

“Well, I got started on the drive from Jacksonville later than I’d wanted to. It’s like a five- or six-hour drive from there to Miami. Then I ran into heavy traffic, and being Florida in the summer, the sky opened up at about 3 pm. Anyway, I never did get to the nude beach. I really want to do it sometime. I don’t really think I’m an exhibitionist, I just want to do it once. You know, like a bucket list sort of thing. But I’m not doing it until I’m not ashamed of my body.”

“I’ve never been to a nude beach,” commented Jesse, “but my understanding is that lots of naturists who do like frequenting nude beaches are not exactly tens, if you know what I mean.”

“That’s regular nude beaches, Jesse. This was supposed to be a gay nude beach. So, yeah, not going to a nude beach to gross everyone out. I want all the hot guys on the beach to say, ‘Yeah, he’s a little older, but he’s still kinda hot!’”

“Alex,” Jesse replied, the frustration evident in his voice, “First off, you’re hot just the way you are, at least to me. But you really need to get over this negative body talk. Really. I’m worried you’re going to end up with an eating disorder or something.”

“I don’t think you need to worry about that at all. I like eating too much. I can’t ever see me becoming anorexic.”

Jesse followed Alex into his bedroom, where he’d tossed his towel into the hamper. “There are other kinds of eating disorders besides anorexia, though. I’d be much more concerned about bulimia than anorexia.”

“Jesse, you don’t actually think I’d want to eat, then throw up, do you?” Alex asked as he pulled a pair of boxer briefs from his dresser drawer and began to tug them on.

“I highly doubt that anyone with bulimia worried about becoming bulimic until they were,” said Jesse. “I worry about you, you know.”

“I know, Jesse. You’re too good for me.”

“Alex!” said Jesse, clearly exasperated. “You have got to stop talking about yourself so negatively! I am most definitely not too good for you.”

“Well,” replied Alex as he pulled a t-shirt over his head, “I guess we’re just going to have to agree to disagree with that one.”

Jesse just shook his head. They’d call a truce on the subject for now. But he knew the battle was far from over.

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Jesse and Alex walked into the Grumpy Goat. The greeter walked them to the usual corner, where the usual three tables had been pushed together to make one, then handed them their menus. They were early and had their pick of seats, so they sat next to one another, near the center of the table. Matt, of course, was there, but only a few others. Alex was happy to see Riley was there, sitting to the left of Matt. He seemed to be fitting in just fine.

After sitting, Jesse asked, “Hey Matt! How many are coming today?”

Matt quickly responded from the end of the table, “I made the reservation today for fourteen. We’ll see if that many show up.” Within the next few minutes, several others arrived. Ian and Rhys arrived right after Jesse and Alex; they sat directly across from their friends. Robbie and Andrew arrived next, sitting at the end of the table opposite Matt. That left only one vacant chair, the one directly to Alex’s right.

The chair remained empty for several minutes as the group studied their menus and placed their drink orders. Alex was beginning to think he would have an empty chair to his right for the remainder of the meal, when he noticed the chair being pulled back to allow a new arrival to sit. He glanced up with a smile on his face, only to see Ben. Shit.

Alex immediately felt guilty. Guilty for what had happened at brunch way back in the fall. Guilty for what happened between Ben and him a decade and a half ago. Guilty that he’d wished that Ben wasn’t there the first second that Alex saw him. Ben returned Alex’s smile with one of his own.

Alex had not seen Ben since their tryst right here in the Grumpy Goat back when the leaves were beginning to fly. Mind you, he still thought about Ben. Just because some three months had passed since their most recent hookup, he still remembered it with a certain fondness. Just something else he felt guilty for.

“Hi, Alex,” Ben said.

Before Alex could even respond, he could feel a sudden, brief breeze as Jesse’s head spun towards the sound of Ben’s voice. Double shit.

“Hi, Ben,” Alex squeaked, perhaps a full octave higher than his normal speaking voice. Alex quickly cleared his throat.

Right after their tryst, Alex had worried about seeing Ben again. ‘How would things play out?’ he thought. ‘Will we continue as though nothing had happened? Will every encounter end up with a quick blow job in a public washroom?’ But as October gave way to November, then December, Alex had stopped worrying. Alex had been to nearly every outing with the group. Ben hadn’t shown up at one since their Grumpy Goat hook-up.

During that time, Jesse and Alex had begun to see each other. Alex had confessed to his brief hookups with Ben at the beginning of their relationship. Did Jesse feel threatened? Alex was unsure. He didn’t think the head whipping that occurred when Jesse heard Ben’s voice was a good sign, though.

Since they’d had no contact, Alex wasn’t sure if the news of his relationship with Jesse had found its way to Ben or not. Now, here he sat, in a place he’d rather not be. Between his boyfriend and his…friend with benefits? No, not even that. They weren’t friends at all. Just hookup buddies.

Ben quickly glanced at the menu, then set it to the side once he’d made his choice. He turned to Alex. “So, how’ve you been?”

‘Okay,’ thought Alex. ‘So far, so good.’

“I’ve been well,” he commented, before adding, “I haven’t seen you around. Did you have a good holiday?”

A waiter interrupted their polite but uninteresting conversation to take their orders. During that time, Alex’s hand found Jesse’s. He held it, squeezing it gently. He hoped the squeeze would convey a message to Jesse. But Alex wasn’t even sure what that message was. He hoped it conveyed, ‘don’t worry,’ or maybe even ‘help me.’

Alex continued to hold Jesse’s hand beneath the table, their hands resting on Jesse’s thigh. Meanwhile, Ben began to respond to Alex’s question. Alex was hoping he appeared interested in what Ben was saying, because he was having difficulty listening. But as Ben chatted on, Alex began to think things were going to work out. ‘He’s going to carry on as though nothing happened. Thank God.’

That thought went out the door when he felt Ben’s hand gently grab his right thigh. Closer to his crotch than to his knee. In response, Alex squeezed Jesse’s hand. Hard. Triple shit! ‘Well, I guess Ben doesn’t know about Jesse and me,’ he thought.

Jesse seemed to understand. He leaned over slightly and whispered into Alex’s ear, “you know, you could just tell him you’re in a relationship.”

He nodded in response. ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ he asked himself.

He turned toward Ben, then said, “I should tell you; I’ve started dating someone.” ‘Someone?’ Alex thought as soon as the word escaped his mouth. ‘Jesse’s not just someone.’

Ben looked directly into Alex’s eyes. His reply came quickly. “I know.” As he said those two words, Ben slid his hand up to Alex’s crotch.

Alex practically jumped out of his seat. His right knee bumped into the table, nearly upsetting several drinks. He stared forward for a few seconds before finding his voice. He spoke louder than he intended to. “Ben, I’m flattered, really. But I am in a relationship with Jesse. You know, the guy to my left. So, this can’t happen.”

His words were not only heard by Ben, but by Jesse, as well as Ian, Andrew, and Robbie. Once he heard the words, Ian knew exactly what was happening. Ian had hooked up with Ben as well, not long before Alex joined the group.

“Ben, take your hand off Alex’s crotch. He said he’s seeing someone, and I’m pretty sure it’s not an open relationship.”

Ben slowly removed his hand from Alex’s crotch, patting his thigh twice before removing his hand from Alex’s lap altogether. As he removed his hand, Ben said through a forced smile, “Your loss.”

Ian’s words had been somewhat louder than he’d intended them to be, as well. Most of the men at the table heard his words, including Matt, down at the opposite end. Matt jumped up, walked around to Ben’s seat, then said, brusquely, “Get up. You’re going to sit in the seat I just left, and I’m going to sit here. This is non-negotiable, so just do it before we make a scene.”

Alex thought Ben would’ve left altogether. He certainly would’ve if he’d been called out the way Ben had. ‘God, he’s got balls,’ thought Alex when he watched Ben sit down at the far end of the table. The table remained quiet for several seconds after Matt and Ben had swapped seats, the men looking at one another, not quite sure how to proceed.

The silence was suddenly broken. “Why’d Matt and Ben switch seats?” Everyone heard Robbie say.

Several of the men burst out laughing, while the others managed not to laugh but had smiles on their faces. Everyone except Ben and…Robbie.

Robbie turned to Matt, then to Andrew. “Did I do something wrong?”

Robbie then lifted his right arm, to sniff his arm pit. “I don’t think I forgot to put on deodorant again.”

By now, even Ben was fighting to suppress a laugh.

Matt turned to Robbie and said with a grin on his face, “Thank you, Robbie, for saving brunch.”

Robbie looked at Matt with a blank stare. “Umm…you’re welcome?”

Later, as the last of the plates were being cleared from the table and men were beginning to pay Matt so they could leave, Alex spoke. “Hey, guys, could I have everyone’s attention?”

All heads turned in unison toward Alex. He suddenly remembered his first brunch with the group, when everyone’s head had turned to him as well. ‘God, I can’t believe how much easier it is speaking to everyone than it had been,’ he thought.

“Guys, as you may or may not know, Jesse and I have been putting together some ideas for a group trip. Well, we’re finalizing our ideas, and we thought it might be fun if we all get together a couple Saturdays from now at my house. Jesse and I will give a little presentation on our ideas, then answer questions from you guys. Once the presentation is wrapped up, we can enjoy a very late holiday party. Or, since it’ll be mid-February, I guess it could be a Valentine’s Day party. I’m going to send out an e-mail invite to everyone, but I thought I’d give everyone here a head’s up.”

As the last of the men were preparing to head out, Ben walked over to Alex. “Alex, can we talk for just a minute?”

Alex hesitated, then glanced at Jesse. Jesse simply nodded. Alex sat back down in his chair, and Ben sat in the chair Jesse had just gotten up from. Jesse gave Ben a look of annoyance before saying, “I’m going to head to the men’s room. Alone.”

Alex looked at Ben, who appeared almost bashful. “Umm…Alex? I just want to say I’m sorry for earlier.”

Alex continued to look at Ben. Ben began to fidget uncomfortably.

Finally, Alex spoke. “Ben, I had fun when we hooked up the last time we were here. I was pretty embarrassed, since Matt knew exactly what had happened, and called me out on it, but…well, let’s just say that if I wasn’t seeing someone, I would definitely be interested. Quite honestly, if things were different, I might’ve asked you to come to my place and spend the night. I may’ve been your first, but you’d have been my first, uh, one night stand.”

“Uh, yeah, that wouldn’t have happened,” replied Ben. “I don’t do one-night stands. Too much emotion. Too much attachment.”

Alex gave Ben a quizzical look. “I thought one-night stands were supposed to be attachment free.”

“I know,” Ben answered, “that’s what people say. I don’t agree though. Have a one-night stand with someone, and by the next morning you’re practically married.”

“Ben,” replied Alex, “don’t you ever want to settle down? You know, with one person?”

“No, not really.”

“Well, okay then,” said Alex. “The times we got together, they were fun, and I thank you for them. You’ve certainly given me a few good memories. But hopefully, I’ve found the person I want to settle down with. And if that’s the case, please know that you and I will not be hooking up again.”

“I understand, Alex, and again, I am sorry for earlier. But look me up if you ever change your mind.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

Alex continued to look at Ben. ‘What message is Ben trying to convey through his expression?’ thought Alex. ‘Sadness? Regret? Remorse? Defeat? I’m not sure. Perhaps a little of each.’

As Ben began to rise from his seat, Alex suddenly concluded that Ben looked as though he felt he’d been rejected. Alex wasn’t sure if Ben felt if he was being rejected by Alex, or the group in general. Alex quickly asked, “The beer snob crowd is heading to Exile Brewing. Would you care to join us?”

Ben stopped before he could rise completely. He sat back down, turning toward Alex as he did so. “You really don’t mind if I tag along?” he asked.

“No, why, should I?”

“Uh, well, after what happened today, I didn’t know if…”

“Ben, it’s water under the bridge.”

Ben was silent for a few seconds before responding, “Well, thanks, Alex, I appreciate it. I think I will pass today, but maybe the next time.” He gave a quick smile before exiting.

Matt had been standing nearby, waiting for Ben and Alex’s conversation to end. Alex turned to Matt, seeing Jesse leave the men’s room as he did so. “Matt, I am glad I heeded your warning after the last time Ben and I, um, sat together. He thinks there’s too much attachment involved in a one-night stand. I should say he’s not dating material.”

Matt laughed. “It takes all kinds, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Alex responded. “He did apologize, though, so I think he’s clear where we stand with each other.”

He then turned to Jesse, who’d just reached the table, and asked, “are you ready?”

Jesse nodded. Alex wasn’t quite sure how to process the expression on Jesse’s face.

“Man, you’re quiet today,” commented Alex. “C’mon, I’ll tell you about my chat with Ben while we head to Exile.” He then added, “then you can tell me what you’re thinking.”

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