Alex heard a knock on his front door. He opened the door. It was Jesse. “Oh, uh, hey.”
“Hey,” replied Jesse. They stared at one another for a few seconds before Jesse said, “Well, do you want me to stand out here in the cold? Can I come in?”
“Umm, yeah, sure.” Alex shook his head as if it were filled with cobwebs, then stood back to allow Jesse to enter. He closed the door, but then turned away from Jesse. There were a few more seconds of silence before Alex spoke again. “I am sorry, you know. I don’t think I apologized before I took off. But I am. Sorry, that is.”
“Alex, I think we need to talk.”
Alex’s shoulders visibly fell, as though he’d given up. “Yeah, okay.”
“First, Alex, please turn around and look at me.”
Alex’s shoulders seemed to sag further. He slowly turned around to face Jesse. His eyes, however, were focused on the floor. “You look a little rough,” said Jesse.
“Well, I really didn’t get much sleep last night. As the song says, I cried the blue right out of my eyes.”
Jesse gave Alex a quizzical look. “But your eyes aren’t blue, they’re brown.”
“Exactly.”
Jesse was becoming impatient. As he sat down on the sofa, he said, “Why didn’t you answer my calls last night? I don’t even know how many times I called.”
“You called twenty-three times. I had twenty-three missed calls.”
“Well, why didn’t you answer just one of those calls?”
Alex took several seconds before responding, his eyes still affixed to the floor. “I just couldn’t. I wanted to, but I just couldn't.”
“Alex, I’m not sure I understand what has you so upset.”
Alex finally looked up. His response came quickly. “Well, let’s see, what has me so upset? So, I get this great friend. He’s awesome, and sweet, and kind. But then what do I do? I go and fuck it all up. He’s made it clear that he has no interest in dating anyone. Even if he did, he could get a lot of better guys than me. He could have his pick of men. Certainly, someone with a hot body who’s, I don’t know, maybe his own age?
“Jesse, look at me. I know I’m not desirable. I’m old and I’m fat. As much as I hate to admit it, I am. Big as a whale and nearly as old as Methuselah. Why would you be interested in me? Why would anyone be interested in me?”
“Alex, what about that song that you did the first time you sang karaoke? You know, what was it? That I’m not used up song. It doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters what’s under the hood?”
Alex then turned to stare out the picture window. He continued as if he’d not heard Jesse speak a single word. “So, I’ve got this great friend who’s everything anybody could want in a person, and he actually wants to spend time with me. Don’t you think that would’ve been enough? I tried, Jesse. I really, really tried. I tried to be your friend, knowing nothing else would happen between us.”
“Alex…”
Alex held up his hand. As he did so, he turned back, finally looking at Jesse. Jesse noted that tears were welling up in Alex’s eyes. “Please, let me finish. I’ve got this great friend, but then I go and do something incredibly stupid. I go and fuck everything up. Jesse, I guess it’s kinda out of the bag that I, well, I fancy you. I didn’t want you to know, since I knew nothing would ever happen, for the reasons I’ve already stated. Me? Undesirable. You? Not interested in a relationship with someone who is desirable, much less someone like me.”
Alex walked to his recliner and sat down before continuing. “But really, please, please, please believe me when I say I’m sorry and ask you to still be my friend. Please forgive me for being such an idiot. I still can’t believe that I kissed my friend. On the mouth. Not a friendly kiss or a kiss of greeting, either. I go and sexually assault my friend.”
“Wait, what?” Jesse said incredulously. “When did sexual assault come into the picture?”
“Oh sure, I didn’t rape you or anything. But I did kiss you on the mouth. It was clearly an unwanted sexual advance.”
“Who said it wasn’t wanted?”
“What?”
“That’s right. I asked, ‘who said it wasn’t wanted?’”
“Oh, come on, Jesse, you don’t need to say things you don’t mean. God, just one more reason I’ve fallen for you. You’re just so….so…so damned nice.” Alex exhaled loudly before managing to briefly force a slight smile.
“Alex, please listen to me. I never said your kiss wasn’t wanted. Do you know what that means? I did lots of thinking last night, in between the times I tried calling you. I spent time reflecting on my feelings. I realized two things. First, I realized what your kiss meant. Secondly, I realized that the kiss was wanted.” After several seconds of silence, Jesse asked, “Alex, do you understand what I’m saying?”
“It sounds like you wanted me to kiss you. But I know that can’t be right. Remember, there’s the old thing. I’m old enough to be your father. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s the fat thing.”
“Alex, quit with your pity party. So, what if you’re old enough to be my father? So, what if you weigh more than you’d like? So what? I don’t care. I like you, too.”
Alex and Jesse were quiet for the next several seconds, staring at one another. Jesse was hoping Alex would finally see things from his perspective. Alex, however, was in compete disbelief. Jesse finally stood, walked to Alex, and pulled him to standing before he planted his lips directly on Alex’s, where he left them for several seconds. Just as Jesse had done the night before, Alex’s eyes widened considerably, and he didn’t kiss back. He was too much in shock to offer any sort of response. His heart was beating at least as fast as it had when their roles were reversed the previous evening. True to form, when Jesse broke the kiss, Alex slowly lifted his right hand to his lips, his mouth hanging open as he did so.
Alex eventually broke the silence. “Do you really mean what I think you’re saying?"
“Well,” replied Jesse, “I don’t know exactly what you think I’m saying, so I will come out and say it. In your words, I fancy you, too.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“As serious as a snake bite.”
Again, silence for several seconds. Alex again was the one to break the silence, this time with a sob. He took a few steps backwards, to collapse into his recliner. Jesse saw tears streaming down Alex’s face. Alex looked up, and seeing Jesse looking at him in confusion, he managed to explain, “These tears are a mixture of joy and disbelief. I’m sorry. I’m just a little over-emotional at the moment.”
Jesse giggled. “That’s perhaps the understatement of the century.”
Alex was able to force a smile through his tears. He wiped the tears away with his right hand as he stood back up, then stepped forward. Alex enveloped Jesse in a hug, as the waterworks again were switched to ‘on.’ Between sobs, he managed to say, “I’m so happy. I don’t believe it.”
Jesse simply replied, “You better start believing it, mister.” Though his eyes were closed as he attempted to stem the tears, the tone of Jesse’s voice made clear to Alex that he had a smile on his face as well.
They eventually broke their embrace.
“Okay,” Alex finally said, sniffling as he did so. “Where do we go from here?”
Without saying a word, Jesse leaned over and grabbed two tissues from a tissue box which sat on the end table next to the recliner. He took Alex by the hand and guided him to the sofa. Once Alex sat at one end of the sofa, Jesse handed him the tissues, then sat down next to him. There were a few more seconds of silence before Alex blew his nose.
Jesse finally spoke. “Here’s my thoughts. It’s Sunday afternoon. We both work tomorrow, then we’ll probably meet up at the Y with Rhys. I’m only working a half-day Tuesday. I’m driving down Tuesday afternoon and evening to Pratt. I’m planning on spending Thanksgiving with my parents. My plan is to drive back to Des Moines on Sunday. I guess what I’m getting at is, we’re going to be separated for the better part of a week. Maybe we can both spend some of that time reflecting on what’s just happened here. We can think about where we’d like this relationship to go. Your thoughts?”
Alex nodded his head and said, “I think I agree with you for the most part. I think we should talk now, though, at least some, about what exactly our expectations are with each other. That will give us something more concrete to consider while we’re separated. Between now and after Thanksgiving, I want to lay my cards on the table. I want us to be on the same page. And I don’t want you to get buyer’s remorse, so to speak. How does that sound?”
“Good, Alex. It sounds good.”
At this point, Alex broke into an ear-to-ear grin. His grin was infectious; Jesse returned his smile with his own. Alex then said, “We know some of each other’s background already, but there are some other things I think you should know about my past. And I’d like to hear more about your history as well.”
Alex watched as Jesse’s smile suddenly disappeared. “What’s the matter, Jesse? Did I say something that upset you?”
Jesse was quick to respond. Too quick, Alex thought. “No, no, you didn’t do or say anything wrong. I was just thinking, that’s all.”
“Uh, okay, if you’re sure.”
Jesse’s reaction quickly put a damper on their excitement, a fact which was not lost on Alex. Suddenly, things had gotten awkward. They sat, looking at one another in silence. After several seconds, Alex finally spoke. “Who are we going to tell?”
“Well,” replied Jesse, excitement returning to his voice, “I kind of want the world to know.” He then added, “I hope you’re not embarrassed to be seen with another guy.”
“Oh, no, no, no, that’s not at all what I meant. I guess what I really meant is, when are we going to let our mutual friends know? Part of me really wants to shout it out from the rooftops. But I think it might be fun to surprise them by walking into brunch or The Ranch or wherever holding hands.”
Jesse grinned at Alex, the discomfort of a moment earlier forgotten. “I kind of like that idea, too. But what about Rhys? I’m assuming we’re both going to see him tomorrow at the Y.”
“You think it might be hard to keep the secret from him, then?”
“Absolutely,” replied Jesse.
“Hmm…I agree Rhys is a special exception since we spend so much more time with him. Do you think if we told him he’d be able to keep it secret?”
“I think so. I mean, it’s our news to share, not his. He knows what I think of being outed. It’s kind of the same thing.”
Alex gave Jesse a quizzical look, but if Jesse noticed, he didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, he said, “Okay, you haven’t told your kids yet about your new identity, have you?”
Alex shook his head in response, closing his eyes as he did so.
“Do you think it’s going to be harder telling them you’re starting to see someone of the same sex in addition to being gay?”
“I actually hadn’t thought about that. I mean, I didn’t think that was even a possibility until fifteen minutes ago.”
“Well,” Jesse replied, “from what you’ve told me about your kids, I think they’re going to take the news in stride. I don’t think you really have too much to worry about.”
“I hope so.” Alex then said, “One thing I do know is that I’d like to take things slowly, you know, when it comes to, umm, sex.”
Jesse nodded in agreement, saying “I totally get that. Intimacy with another man is something totally new to you.”
“Umm,” Alex sheepishly replied, “that’s not quite true.” Jesse gave him a look which communicated a lack of understanding.
“Okay, I definitely think honesty with one another is important. Communication in general is important. That was a major problem I had in past relationships, and I don’t want to let it happen again. It’s just that it’s sometimes hard to talk about the truth. And the truth is, I’m a fundamentally flawed person.”
Jesse’s facial expression gave Alex no clue as to what he might be thinking. He continued, “So, I hope I haven’t screwed things up already. I, umm, actually do have some sexual experience with other men.”
Alex suddenly felt a need to look anywhere except at Jesse. He looked down to his left hand as he picked at the arm of the sofa. Though surprised, Jesse remained silent, so Alex gathered enough courage to explain.
Looking back at Jesse, he said, “Now, I never had a relationship with another man. But I imagine you’ve heard of the term ‘tearoom.’”
Jesse nodded.
“Well, I discovered that if you found a tearoom, it could be very easy to hook up with someone. So, to be honest, I’ve given and received blow jobs from I don’t know how many men. Generally, we only met once, though a few I saw two or more times. Anonymity is pretty much the way tearooms are supposed to work, but I did learn the first names of a few of the men I’d hooked up with. Usually, the hookup happened in the men’s washroom, though I had guys come back to my hotel room a couple times, and I went to a couple guy’s apartments a few times, but I never spent the night with another guy. So, I can truthfully say that I’ve never had a one-night stand. I haven’t hooked up with a guy in, probably, nearly 15 years.” He quickly added, almost under his breath, “Well, except once recently with Ben.”
Jesse giggled. “So, he sunk his teeth into you already. Am I the only guy in our group who he hasn’t hooked up with?”
“From what I’ve heard, that is a definite possibility. I guess in the interest of full disclosure, I also need to tell you that I hooked up with Ben several times before, a long time ago, more than any other guy. I’d never known his name, though, until he sat next to me at brunch. So, the real reason I want to take it slow is because I want to know I’m getting involved in a relationship that’s built on something more than giving and receiving orgasms. I do not want you to feel like a hookup. You deserve more than that.”
Jesse nodded as he said, “You’ve more experience with men than me, you know. I’ve never had anonymous sex. He then asked, “Have you ever had anal sex with anyone?”
Though Alex had not blushed up to this point in their conversation, he suddenly felt his face redden. He nodded. A few seconds later, he continued, “I think five times in total, never more than once with a given person. I also never intentionally had unprotected sex with anyone.”
Jesse gave Alex a strange look as he said, “How on earth do you unintentionally have sex with someone?”
Alex’s face continued to warm. “Well, since you’ve never participated in anonymous sex in a tearoom, let me explain how it all works. Sometimes you may meet at the urinals, or even meet up outside the tearoom, but frequently you’ll be sitting in a stall, and the person in the next stall will motion for you to kneel on the floor. Usually, you’ll kneel down, then stick your dick under the partition. The other person will then either jerk you off or blow you. You, of course, can’t see because your face is right up next to the partition. Well, one time the guy somehow managed to impale his ass on my unsheathed dick. I didn’t need to see what was going on, believe me. I mean, breaching someone’s sphincter muscle with your penis is a pretty unique feeling. And, since I clearly wasn’t expecting it, I, umm, blew my wad almost instantly. So that’s how you unintentionally fuck someone.” By now, Alex thought his face must be beet red.
Jesse nodded but remained quiet for several seconds. When he finally spoke, he asked, “When you say you’ve had anal sex, you were only a top, right? You never bottomed?”
“Correct,” replied Alex.
“Are you scared to bottom?” countered Jesse.
“Well, I used to be. For the longest time I was scared to top, for that matter. However, I’ve got a, umm, toy if you will. It was billed as a “prostate stimulator” rather than a vibrator. To be completely honest, I wish it was longer. It’s kind of a unique shape. The main part of it kind of reminds me of a knife handle. It’s kind of that shape, and it looks almost like it’s meant to be held that way. It has, like, a bump at the end. You know, the prostate stimulating part. Anyway, it’s not round, so it isn’t realistic in terms of width, either. That makes me a bit nervous, as I have had rectal fissures in the past. I’ve never had a problem with bleeding when using the stimulator, though.”
Realizing he’d been the one answering all the questions, he asked, “What about you? Have you had anal sex with anyone?”
“Let’s just say I’m not a virgin,” he replied.
“Hmm,” thought Alex. “Once again, a vague answer. Short and to the point, volunteering no more information than absolutely necessary. What on earth happened to Jesse? Why does he not want to talk about it?”
Alex had been mulling those thoughts around in his head for a moment. So lost in thought, that he almost jumped when Jesse spoke again. “So, when you said you were afraid you screwed things up already, were you thinking I’d be put off by your past enjoyment of anonymous sex?”
“Well, in part, yes. But also, I’m telling you that I am not a very nice person. I was not faithful. That’s more what concerned me. You need to know that I was a, uh, serial cheater. Among other things.” Alex was looking down at his hands. He felt he couldn’t even look Jesse in the eye.
“But, Alex, that was what, 15 years ago? You’ve gone that long without a hookup. Well, at least until recently, but you weren’t cheating on anyone then. I can understand why you did what you did. What happened, though, 15 years ago that made you stop?”
“Well, I hate to admit, it wasn’t because I felt shame. It happened because I was getting fat and old, and I didn’t want to be rejected, which I knew would be happening more and more frequently if I kept on doing what I’d been doing.”
Alex finally looked up from his lap, turning to see Jesse’s expression. Alex wasn’t sure what he saw. Fortunately, it wasn’t a look of disgust. But what was it? Indifference? Acceptance?
“You don’t hate me now, do you?”
“Alex, don’t be silly. Of course I don’t hate you.”
“You’re more than I deserve.”
“Alex,” Jesse said, a hint of exasperation in his voice, “we need to work on your self-esteem. At least I haven’t heard you go on and on about how socially inept you are recently, thank goodness. But, man, you’ve got to not get down on yourself over your age, which you can’t do anything about, or your weight, which you are doing something about. It really bothers me that you hold yourself in such low regard. When I hear you say things like that, I just want to scream. I mean, once or twice I wanted to smack your butt.”
“I didn’t know you were into kinky stuff,” Alex interjected, a grin on his face.
“Alex! I am not joking, so you shouldn’t either. I really mean it. You need…no, we need to work on the way you talk about yourself. I’m not the only one it bothers, either. Rhys and I have talked about it on more than one occasion.”
Alex nodded his head in agreement, then was silent for several seconds before finally speaking. “I know you’re right. It’s something I’ve done for a long time, and it’s hard to change one’s ways. And I know it’s not a joking matter, either. I just do that in an effort to deflect. Please be patient with me, though. I want to work on it, but I’m sure it will take time, and I will need some help along the way. You know, friendly reminders and all.”
Jesse smiled. “You don’t know how happy that makes me, hearing you recognize that you do it and want to work to get out of the habit.”
Alex smiled in return, then said, “Jesse, I’m afraid I might scare you off with the next thing I’m going to say, but I think it’s something you need to know. Your attitude towards religion really bothers me, and I really want you to see that not all churches are filled with hate. Is there any chance you might want to go to church with me? If it’s that big an issue for you, I can drop it. But I really would like you to come with me some time.”
Jesse nodded, then softly replied, “I actually have thought about it, Alex. I know how important it is to you. And yes, I think I’m willing to give it a try. Maybe that’s something we can do after Thanksgiving. We’ll see, I may want to wait until after the holidays.”
“Jesse,” replied Alex, “it makes me happy to hear you say that.”
“C’mere, Alex.”
Alex scooted closer to Jesse. When he was close enough, Jesse put his arm around Alex and pulled him even closer. With Jesse’s right arm around him, Alex laid his head on Jesse’s shoulder. Neither spoke for several minutes, though both had smiles on their faces. The closeness was enjoyable enough that no words were needed. Eventually, Alex raised his head off Jesse’s shoulder, and turned to face him, the smile long gone from his face. Jesse looked at Alex quizzically.
“Crap, Jesse. We’ve got to finish evaluating the different trip options!”
Jesse shook his head as he responded, “Alex, don’t worry about that. We were never given a deadline. We’ll just let Matt know when we’re ready to bring our proposals to the group. Hey, maybe that’s something else we can think about while we’re apart, though, too. I’ve got to have something to think about on my drive to Pratt and back. It’s about seven hours one way.”
“Do you have any special Thanksgiving traditions with your family?” asked Alex.
“No, not really. It’s just my parents and me, so we just have a nice meal. We don’t ever have a full turkey, just a turkey breast.”
“We don’t particularly like turkey, so we usually have ham balls. That reminds me, Cam is bringing a couple friends home from school for the holiday. I wanted him to let me know if there were any dietary restrictions so I can plan the Thanksgiving meal. Any food allergies or if either of his friends is vegetarian. I guess I need to call him tonight.”
“So, Alex, you’re going to be cooking?”
“Don’t think I haven’t thought about other options. If there’d been a Boston Market in Des Moines, they definitely would be the ones preparing our meal.”
Alex pulled back to look at Jesse, asking as he did so, “What else are you going to be doing with your parents? You must have other plans if you’re going to be there from Tuesday until Sunday.”
“Well, I won’t get in until late on Tuesday, and I’ll leave early on Sunday, so it’s not really that many days. But, like Rhys, I help them winterize the house. You know, make sure all the leaves are raked, the lawn mower is put away for the winter, the snow blower starts, and all that. Plus, help mom prepare Thanksgiving dinner, start Christmas shopping, drag up the Christmas tree and decorations from the basement, and take care of any other odd jobs around the house that need doing. All in all, I’m sure to be busy the whole time.”
“So,” said Alex, “are you going to tell them about me?”
“Of course. They’ll be shocked I’m seeing someone, and they’ll want to know all about you,” replied Jesse. “They’re also going to want to meet you, you know.”
As the conversation died away, Alex again lay his head on Jesse’s left shoulder. “I think I could get used to this.”
Posted 21 December 2024